A Boy's Guide to Understanding His Girlfriend
by nightwhisperofshadows
Summary: Amethyst is sick of watching couples fight and argue. So, what does she do? Why, write a guide, of course! Watch her bumble from place to place looking for the answers to the problems of the relationships of the Harry Potter characters.


Yay, exams. Please note the sarcasm in that statement. I will be updating Gentle Evergreen and Slytherin Shadow Girl, I have started the second chapter for both already, but studying, homework and exams have taken away time from my lovely fanfics. Please be a bit patient with me. I will update as soon as possible.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except I might of pulled some of the pairings off the top of my head or took my crazy friend's advice for pairings. Sorry!

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_Hi, my name's Amethyst, and I'm going to be writing the Boy's Guide to Understanding Your Girlfriend. Now, yes, I am a girl myself, but I'm going to be travelling all around the magical community here in England to bring you the guy's opinion of their females. Now, onto the guys with girls and what they don't like about them._

**At Hogwarts: **

Ginny- Harry's opinion of her: She's nice, a bit hex crazy, but nice. (Thankyou, next vict-oops, I mean guy)

Pansy- Draco's opinion of her: She's a nut-case! And she's annoying! I don't know why I put up with her! (Because both she and your parents will kick your butt if you don't?)

Hermione- Ron's opinion of her: She's pretty, and smart, and she (That's great, but tell me what you DON'T like about her.) Well, she once transfigured metal birds and charmed them to attack me, and she's often PMS-ing, but she has this really cute underwear that I found with-(Note to self: Do not let Hermione get a hold of this)

Hannah- Neville's opinion of her: Hannah's really nice, I don't think there's anything bad I can say about her. (There must be SOMETHING?) Nope. (Okay, we got a dud. Next person.)

Padma- Terry's opinion (Do I really need to keep putting the 'of her'?): She's nice, really nice, there is not a bad thing I can say about her- please tell me she's not near here. (Cue whip sound)

Millicent- Gregory's opinion of her (oh, hell with it): She's got really pretty eyes. (Great, please note the sarcasm, now tell me what you don't like about her.) Oh, she beat me up? (I can see why, I'm about to myself.)

Luna- Blaise's opinion of her: She's alright, but, let's just say that her nickname around the school is well fitting. (So you have a problem with the made-up creatures?) I don't mind the fact she likes magical creatures, it's the fact she talks about them at random times. Like, yesterday, I was about to kiss her and she started talking about Nargles. What the hell are Nargles? (Odd creatures she made up, goodbye now.)

_Now, field trip! So the great reporter escapes from Hogwarts in her quest to complete her guide. Cue Mission Impossible theme. _

**The Grimmauld Place:**

_Okay, I have now successfully broken into the Grimmauld Place and, after running away from Kreacher, shall now interview the two males here about their females of choice._

Nymphadora- Remus' opinion of her: What the-? How did you get in here? (Never mind that. Answer the question.) She's nice, and funny, but I can't date, I'm a werewolf! (No -one cares that you're a werewolf, except for maybe Umbridge. Moving on!)

?- Sirius: (Okay, just WHO is you're girlfriend?) I don't have a girlfriend currently, (Might have something to do with the fact you're a wanted criminal.) but there are a lot of cute girls out there who, I know, are willing to kill for a date with me and...

***TWO HOURS LATER***

And about all the girls I dated. Now, you want a drink sweetie? (O_O)

_**Padfoot! She's young enough to be your daughter and, knowing you, she just might be.**_

...I'm not your father. (Good to know. Moving on.)

_Okay, after that, disturbing, discussion (Reminder to self: Thank Lupin next chance I get) I am off to my NEXT LOCATION! Dodedoo, dumdumdum, tweettweet. _

**The Ministry of Magic:**

_Now I have successfully broken into the Ministry of Magic. Hoping no one notices the alarm I had to shatter in order to get in here. Oops. Moving on, that's becoming my catchphrase isn't it, I am now looking for the one person who I am going to interview, and if he's not here, screw it! I'm never setting foot in this insanely confusing place again!_

Umbridge- Fudge's opinion of her: Sweet Merlin! Who are you? (None of your concern. Please answer the question.) Madam Umbridge is my under-secretary! She and I are not in a relationship! (Are you sure?) YES! (Okay, no need to shout. I'll leave.)

_Well, that was a waste of time. Oh, well. Not like there was anything better to do. Except maybe that potion essay. Snape's gonna be pissed. Oops. Oh, well. Right...Now how do I get out of here?_

_Fudge watched the odd Ravenclaw girl kick the wall of ministry in frustration and sighed, not willing to deal with her. "We've just found the next Rita Skeeter."_

**?(Where the hell am I?):**

Lily- James' opinion of her: Where am I? Who are you? Why am I not dead anymore? (Do you REALLY think that I have the answer to the last one?) Maybe not, but you are the one who got me here. (Not exactly... But please answer question.) Lily's nice. I don't see what this has to anything. (What _don't _you like about her.) Oh, well, it did take seven years to get her to go out with me, and she had some really creative ways of rejecting me before then. (Please don't go into all of her rejects, I don't have the time, and I have to leave now. Bye.)

_Okay, out of that place, wherever the hell it was. NO I WILL NOT TAKE YOU WITH ME! LEAVE! __**(But...)**__ NO! Now onto the last destination. GET AWAY! __**(No. I don't want to stay here)**__ You're not coming with me! AGH!_

**Voldemort's Lair:**

_Right, I have finally lost Potter sr. Though I don't know where he is now, and am now in the last place any normal person would want to come. Okay, I might be slightly insane for doing this, but a good reporter never gives up on a story. Now, to make it out of here alive._

Narcissa- Lucius' opinion of her: What the hell are you doing here? (Please just answer the question. I'd like to make it out of here alive.) Why should I? (Because I'll keep bugging you until I get an answer.) Fine, she won't let Draco grow up, she continuously coddles him and it doesn't do him any good. (Thankyou, that's all I wanted to know. I'll go now.)

Bellatrix- Voldemort's opinion of her: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? (Your opinion of Bellatrix?) SHE'S MARRIED! (So you do have feelings for her?) *hiss* CRUCIO! ($#*!)

_Lucius watched the small brunette girl scramble away from both his master and the bright red light that crashed into the ground where she had been previously standing, clutching a clipboard desperately to her chest and the emblem on her robes showing she was a Hogwarts Ravenclaw._

_"Who's the girl?" Rabastan said as he joined to watch the show. _

_"I don't know." he replied, watching the girl scamper out of the hideout. "But we've got the next Rita Skeeter." Rabastan turned to him, horrified._

_'We haven't even gotten rid of the first one yet!" _

**Back at Hogwarts:**

_Okay, I've got my information, now to rectify these problems. What the-?_

(James: Obliviate!

Sirius: Where am I? Who are you?

James: This is the Room of Requirements. I am James. You are Bobo the dancing bear. I command you to dance, Bobo!

Sirius: Okay!)

_Uh huh...Okay...Right, now that I've picked my jaw up off the floor. Let's continue._

**Pointers for Dealing with Unstable Girls-**

1. Never, EVER say 'Is it that time of the month, again?' to her! This is a MAJOR no-no! (Ask Ron and Sirius. They've made this mistake before.)

2. Avoid the 'P-word' altogether. (Say it at your own risk.)

3. Ginny is hex-crazy. Avoid at all costs when angered and has a wand. (Otherwise you'll have your face torn apart by a Bat-Bogey Hex.)

4. Pansy is a chatter-box. Earplugs are recommended. (Bonus is that she won't know what they are.)

5. Hermione. Mad. She likes books. Get her one and all's forgiven. (And sometimes giving her Ron works in this as well, if it's not him she's mad at.)

6. Hannah is a nice, polite, sensible girl. She will never change.

7. Padma is always in charge. Let her have her own way and you _might _escape unscathed.

8. Millicent, always prowling for a fight. Make sure to stay out of her way. (Snape makes things worse by not punishing her for fighting. I still have bruises on my neck.)

9. Luna is always interested in some fictional creature or other. Just let her go off into her own world and you'll be fine. (Plus, she's a lot smarter than people give her credit for. Listen closely.)

10. Never call Tonks Nymphadora. (She knows some mean pranks.)

11. Girls are not to be used and thrown away like packaged food. (Decide to do that, and you WILL die under mysterious circumstances.)

12. Contrary to what he said up there, I do have photos of Fudge and Umbridge making out. (Five galleons says someone drugged them.)

13. When a girl says no, she really means NO.

14. Women will always worry over their children. Try to stop them and you WILL be seen as a threat and WILL be eliminated. (Better to just let the child do the talking, they're safer then you are.)

15. Bellatrix is a crazy, psychotic bitch. Avoid at all costs.

16. What to do when confronted by angry girlfriend: Run like hell. If you can't run, never face her alone.

**Things never to say to her, plus amount of pain male was put through for saying it. (Out of 15) :**

"Your crazy!"- Blaise, 7

"What the hell did I do now?"- Ron, 8

"What the hell is wrong with you?"- Draco, 9

"This is boring."- James, Sirius, Draco, Gregory, 9

"What are you cooking for me?"- Draco, James, 10

"Someone obviously forgot to take their happy-pills."- Terry, 11

"Make me a sandwich." - Sirius, 11

"Is it that time of the month, again?"- Gregory, 12

"Move it hens!"- Sirius, Draco, 13

'I'm imagining you without a shirt on."**(Someone really said this one to one of my friends.)**- Sirius, Ron, 14

"You psychotic bitch!"- James, Sirius, Draco, Harry(never made that mistake again), Ron, Gregory, Blaise, Terry, 15

**What to say to her:**

This is simple enough. Often the words 'I love you' are the magic words. They tend to solve all your problems.

IF that doesn't work, flatter her, tell her she's beautiful and smart, that tends to fix things. (Also apologizing can work, but most guys are too stubborn.)

If THAT doesn't work, you're screwed.

**Questions:**

Draco: *Hiding in the closet* You psychotic bitch! (Um, that's not a question. Cursing at her will only make her more mad. Calling her psychotic will make her kill you.)

Gregory: Millicent beat me up. (Why?) All I did was ask her if it was that time of the month again. (Did you even bother reading this guide?)

Terry: You guide is frickin great!

Padma: *Busy kissing Terry*

_Amethyst watched Pansy rip the door of the closet from its hinges and pull a screaming Draco out into the open. A quick look at the papers on her desk and she gained a thoughtful look. 'Maybe I can do a sequel' She thought, before turning in her wheelie chair to watch the battle of Pansy and Draco_

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Finally, done. Hope you liked it. Also, I know it's been a while, but I've almost finished the second chapter for Slytherin Shadow Girl. Hope this was interesting for you.

NightWhisper.


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